Actonians Cricket Club


Actonians Cricket Club 4th XI v Chiswick 3 on Sat 26 May 2018 at 12.30pm
Actonians Cricket Club Won by 43 runs

Match report 'Don't pick a fight, but if you find yourself in one, make damn sure you win.' - John Wayne

A hush had fallen over the edge of London's Wild West. The sun was high over the Boddington sierra, and the Fours sat tight on the veranda. It wouldn't be long before the vicious, marauding hordes from Chiswick would be with them. Rumour had reached the Fours that they'd laid waste to a sorry Winchmore Hill outfit last time out, and that when High Noon (-Thirty) rolled around, they'd have an almighty task on their hands. Still, the fours were in an ebullient mood: they had fallen just short in a gunslinging encounter with Harrow Town the weekend before, and

This was, of course, not even remotely concerning to the Fours. They were too busy trying to work out which key goes in which lock at Boddington and debating the place of treacle tart in a cricket tea (Bobby 'General Store Proprietor' Uberoi included it, much to the delight of MS 'Gatekeeper' Jonesy). Soon, though, the Chiswick ruffians had arrived, and having won the toss, they put us in to bat just as Hitesh 'The Town Invalid' Patel rocked up. Jonesy suffered the indignity of a duck after he got a thin edge through to their keeper, but this merely brought 'Deputy' Dave Whear to the wicket. Facing a young hothead called Curly (bonus bourbon to anyone getting the 'Of Mice and Men' reference), the wiry veteran unfurled a scintillating array of cuts and drives before being spectacularly run out by an underhand blow from Chiswick's 'Cowboy'. Not for the first time, the Fours were two down without many on the board.

Unbeknownst to Chiswick, this played right into the Fours' hands, as it brought Invalid H to the crease. Fresh off a successful battle with a batch of dodgy refried beans from Jubraj Inc., H took his time to get in, but gradually began to dispatch the Chiswick scud missiles to all corners of the battleground. Particularly lovely was a straight drive back over their sheriff's head: the sight of his chins swinging round, one after the other, to follow the ball's flight will live long in the memory. He was ably assisted first by the Quartermaster, who poked his way to 13 but held up an end well, and then by Rakesh 'Sue-Resh' Prasher and Billy 'Circus Strongman' Hussain, back in the side after a spell chugging milk and benchpressing longhorn cattle. Among their number, however, there was a familiar face - Azeem, erstwhile Actonian and current turncoat, clearly in the employ of some nefarious so-and-so from across the county line. Thanks to his efforts, some dubious Chiswick chat and some slightly silly shots, wickets fell at regular intervals. Despite the quick hands of Aneeq 'Wayward Gunslinger' Malik, we looked for a while like we might not make it to 200, far less bat out our overs. Fortunately, a few lusty blows from the Schoolmaster and Steve 'Saloon Owner' Smith (including a glorious hook off his nose) took us to 224-9 off our 45.

Following a marvellous tea spread, we set about sending Chiswick back home with their tails between their legs. Deputy Dave was on fire from the off, dismissing their opener in the first over, and the Fours were cock-a-hoop. Thereafter, though, a strong partnership developed, and it took all the wiles of Smithy and Saurabh 'New Hombre in Town' Dhawan to dismiss their numbers two and three. When their number three was finally dismissed, H decided to unleash all his pent-up hustler fury, and had to be restrained before he and the Chiswick varmint came to blows. Clearly parental discipline is taking its toll. Out of the frying-pan we had jumped; into the fire we fell. Curly emerged from the pavilion, lip curled, biceps rippling, common sense nowhere to be found, and started to thrash us like his bat was a rawhide whip and the ball was the flank of a faithful steed. With Chiswick well ahead of the rate at drinks, we knew we had to make some breakthroughs. Step forward Richard 'The Union's Favourite' Thistlethwaite, full of more fire and brimstone than your favourite Anabaptist preacher, to induce the wickets of both Curly and Cowboy, leaving them five down with very little left in the hutch.

From then on it was all over bar the shouting. The Wayward Gunslinger returned, having finally worked out how to pitch the ball on a length rather than halfway down, and duly bagged three of the last five (including a screamer of a catch at gully from Smithy), and their skip saw his stumps rent asunder by a simple straight ball. With fourteen balls left, Deputy Dave finished the job, putting their keeper back in the hutch and ensuring a 43-run win at home for the goodies.

If last Saturday was a prairie oyster, this Saturday was a hush puppy: the Chiswick boys came to our patch with a lot of lip but not a lot of skill or application, and we shut them up. This town ain't big enough for the both of us; we picked our fight and won. Much like a transport-challenged rustler, I can tell I am now flogging a dead horse with this theme. We ride again on Saturday at Winchmore Hill. Vamos, muchachos.

Will 'The Schoolmaster/Junior Sheriff' Yates

Actonians Cricket Club 4th XI Batting
Player Name RunsMB4s6sSRCtStRo
10nb 20w 10b  
for 9 wickets

(45.0 overs)
Andrew Jones ct K Richardson 0 2
Bobby Uberoi b P Arnould 13
David Whear run out C Henderson 15 1
Hitesh Patel st P Arnould 57 1
Rakesh Prasher lbw P Arnould 14
Bilal Hussain ct A Mohammed 21
Will Yates Not Out  27
Aneeq Malik ct A Mohammed 28
Saurabh Dhawan ct H Hurtig-Isaac 2
Richard Thistlethwaite lbw C Henderson 1 2
Steve Smith Not Out  6 1

Chiswick 3 Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
K Richardson10.0535135.003.50
H Hurtig-Isaac8.0149149.006.12
P Arnould10.041936.331.90
S Khan5.003300.006.60
R Fernandes3.003400.0011.33
A Mohammed6.0030215.005.00
C Henderson3.0019119.006.33

Chiswick 3 Batting
Player name RMB4s6sSR
20w 20b 8lb 
for 10 wickets
181 (42.5 overs)
J Sehmi ct Steve Smith 23
T Mason ct David Whear 0
R Fernandes ct Saurabh Dhawan 17
C Henderson ct Will Yates 26
K Richardson ct Richard Thistlethwaite 37
M Cornwall b Aneeq Malik 0
S Khan ct Aneeq Malik 0
B Lumm ct David Whear 4
P Arnould b Will Yates 18
A Mohammed b Aneeq Malik 8
H Hurtig-Isaac Not Out  0

Actonians Cricket Club 4th XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
David Whear8.521728.501.92
Aneeq Malik9.0137312.334.11
Steve Smith8.0219119.002.37
Saurabh Dhawan3.0023123.007.67
Will Yates10.0132216.003.20
Richard Thistlethwaite4.0026126.006.50